I was flipping through the Georgia Straight this morning while sipping tea, stressing out over the last details of the Women With Wings conference, when I came across this article headline Stressed students pushed to breaking point .  The article tells the story of a 19 year old student feeling stressed by the pressure to work and study longs hours to get ahead. 

 ”Aside from the long hours she puts in for pay she is enrolled full-time at Kwantlen, coaches soccer on the weekend, and is involved in competitive cheerleading almost daily.  She estimates her precious moments of downtime add up to less than one day a week.” 

I was not this kind of student, nor is my oldest son — when he chose not to complete his first semester of college, he told me he was really enjoying not having any responsibility right now.  He’s 18.  I can relate.  I often say that I do not suffer from workaholism and yet I repeatedly find myself with my plate overflowing.  Are we addicted to chaos, or the drama that comes from the drive to be more, do more, have more?

I’m ready for a simpler life.  Is it possible to do one or two things really well?  What if our worth was measured on who we are… our level of integrity and kindness rather than our grades and accomplishments?   

Posted: April 30th, 2008 under News.
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On Saturday, April 12th, I was married to Terry Nielsen in the sunshine surrounded by friends and loved ones. We adapted the ceremony from “Conversations With God, Book 3,” by Neale Donald Walsh. I’ll share it with you here:

“Terry and Tanya have not come here today to make a solemn promise or to exchange a sacred vow.

They have come here to make public their love for each other; to declare their choice to live as partners and grow together - out loud and in your presence, out of their desire that we will all come to feel a very real and intimate part of their decision, and thus make it even more powerful.

They’ve also come here today in the further hope that their ritual of bonding will help bring us all closer together. If you are here today with a partner, let this ceremony be a reminder - a rededication of your own loving bond.

We’ll begin by asking the question: Why get married? Terry and Tanya have answered this question for themselves, and they’ve told me the answer. Now I want to ask them one more time, so they can be sure of their answer and firm in their commitment to the truth they share.

You have told me it is your firm understanding that you are not entering into this marriage for reasons of security . . .
. . .  that the only real security is not in owning or possessing, nor in being owned or possessed . . .
. . . not in demanding or expecting, and not even in hoping, that what you think you need in life will be supplied by the other . . .
. . . but rather, in knowing that everything you need in life, all the love, all the wisdom, all the insight, all the power, all the knowledge, all the understanding, all the nurturing, all the compassion, and all the strength . . . resides within you . . .

. . . and that you are not marrying the other in hopes of getting these things, but in hopes of giving these gifts, that the other might have them in even greater abundance.
Is that your firm understanding today?

(We say, “It is.”)

And Terry and Tanya, you have told me it is your firm understanding you are not entering into this marriage as a means of in any way limiting, controlling, hindering, or restricting each other from any true expression of that which is the highest and best within you - including your spirituality, your love of life, your love of people, your love of creativity, your love of work, or any aspect of your being which genuinely represents you, and brings you joy. Is that still your firm understanding?

(We say, “It is.”)

Finally, Terry and Tanya, you have said to me that you do not see marriage as producing obligations but rather as providing opportunities . . .
. . . opportunities for growth, for full Self-expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for quieting every false thought or small idea you ever had about yourself, and for ultimate union with all that is through the communion of your two souls . . .
. . . that this is a journey through life with one you love as an equal partner, sharing equally both the authority and the responsibilities inherent in any partnership, bearing equally what burdens there be, basking equally in the glories.
Is that the vision you wish to enter into now?

(We say, “It is.”)

Terry, please repeat after me.
I, Terry . . . ask you, Tanya . . . to be my partner, my lover, my friend, and my wife . . . I announce my intention to give you my deepest friendship and love . . . not only when your moments are high . . . but when they are low . . . not only when you remember clearly Who You Are . . . but when you forget . . . not only when you are acting with love . . . but when you are not . . . I further announce . . . before our friends and loved ones . . . that I will seek always to see the Truth within you . . . and seek always to share . . . the Truth within me . . . even, and especially . . . in whatever moments of darkness may come.
It is my intention to share my life with you. . . in a partnership of the Soul.

(Minister turns to Tanya)Tanya, do you choose to grant Terry’s request that you be his wife?(I answer, “I do.”)

Now Tanya, please repeat after me.
I, Tanya . . . ask you, Terry . . . to be my partner, my lover, my friend, and my husband . . . I announce my intention to give you my deepest friendship and love . . . not only when your moments are high . . . but when they are low . . . not only when you remember clearly Who You Are . . . but when you forget . . . not only when you are acting with love . . . but when you are not . . . I further announce . . . before our friends and loved ones . . . that I will seek always to see the Truth within you . . . and seek always to share . . . the Truth within me . . . even, and especially . . . in whatever moments of darkness may come.
It is my intention to share my life with you. . . in a partnership of the Soul.

(Minister turns to Terry.)

Terry, do you choose to grant Tanya’s request that you be her husband?

(He answers, “I do.”)

And so now, inasmuch as you, Tanya, and you, Terry, have announced the truths that are already written in your hearts, and have witnessed the same in the presence of your friends, family and your Higher Power, we observe joyfully that you have declared yourself to be . . . husband and wife.

Posted: April 15th, 2008 under On a more personal note.
Comments: 2

It’s the Tuesday before my wedding and — even though we had decided all along that this was going to be a no frills affair, somehow I had been talked into getting a new outfit by my mom; a lovely soft yellow and dove grey sleeveless flowy top; sleeveless even though it’s been one of the coldest springs in years in BC — I am feeling a little pasty.  Now that I have this new little outfit chosen for the wedding, I’m thinking that if I’m going to freeze, it is important that I look good doing it.  

I walk in to the most convenient tanning salon I can find and ask the bronze young girl at the front desk what she recommends.  She starts to tell me about the super-pooper ultra spaceship model tanning device that gives off six times the UV whatsit rays of the regular beds…  and then she tells me the price.  For $35.99, I think I can live with being pasty.  Just as I am about to leave, she says the mid range bed for $12.95 a session will probably be good enough.  

 ”You are so dark, I thought you were an avid tanner.”  I tell her I haven’t been in a tanning bed since the ’80’s and she giggles (I’m not sure if she if she was even born yet by the ’80’s).  We settle on the middle bed, she gives me goggles, asks if I ever burn — to which I answer, never — and says I can probably handle a full session.  Oh yeah, I say, I’m sure that’ll be fine.  A few minutes later I am in my bed with my goggles on and I pull down the lid.  Ah, it feels a little claustrophobic and not at all natural, but it’s warm and the hum of the lights and the fan kind of reminds me of ‘om’.  I am enjoying the warmth at least until my back starts to stick to the bed.  I try to arch my back up and hold my arms out in chicken wing fashion – I hate those fake ‘n bake give away white lines at the arm pits.  Then, clunk, the lights turn off and it’s time to get out.  I’m feeling warm and somewhat relaxed.  It was an awkward, but not altogether unpleasant 15 minutes.

As I climb out of the bed I notice there is a little sticker on the bed with a suggested tanning program.  The suggested regime is to begin with… THREE minutes for the first week, then 7 minutes for the second week, 10 minutes in the third week and finally 15 minutes in the fourth week.  I’m a bit nervous after diving right in to 15 minutes, but figure the girl at the front desk wouldn’t have steered me too dangerously wrong.  I thank the nice young girl who is chatting away on the phone and I drive home to look in the mirror for the first time.   Oh my. 

I’m quite …

flush. 

Almost glowing. 

As the minutes and hours go by I become brighter and brighter and begin to feel much like a pumpkin.   I had been hoping to, not exactly hide my frivolous spending from my soon-to-be husband, but I wasn’t planning on flaunting it.  I had to tell him.  He couldn’t be mad because he could see how clearly uncomfortable I was.  As the evening went on, it became worse and worse.  I felt like what I imagine a microwaved chicken must feel… like I was cooking from the inside out. 

Needless to say I spent the next two nights unable to sleep on my back, I was in so much pain from the sun burn.  By the third night I wasn’t in pain anymore, but was insanely itchy and by Friday, the day before the wedding, I was peeling.  Lovely.

Never again.  I wanted to be mad at the dumb young girl at the tanning salon, but I know it’s my own fault.  That stings even more than the sun burn!  It’s vanity that burned me. 

Posted: April 14th, 2008 under On a more personal note.
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I have had this blogspace since launching my website earlier in the year and have been grappling with how to start and what to post.  I have chosen to use this space to share teachings that I find most helpful.  This one is tricky, since I am a coach and people traditionally seek coaching when there is something they want to improve or change in their lives.  My spiritual practice is in becoming a lover of reality and this is the flow my coaching seems to be taking.  This, I am coming to know, is where true freedom lies.  See how it feels for you. 

Here is an excerpt from Adyashanti, Emptiness Dancing (from the chapter called The Fire of Truth). For more of Adya’s teachings, visit www.Adyashanti.org.

“It is utterly simple. In a moment, you gain a life free of negotiation and bargaining. This is what the Fire of Truth removes: your negotiation and your bargaining with what is, the desire for anyone or anything to change. You realize that no changes, not even changes in yourself, will make you happier. To receive this gift fully, it must be given to everything and everybody everywhere. This that is awake doesn’t want anybody to change or improve at all. That’s the fire. That’s the ash of the fire. You realize, “A minute ago I wanted you to change, but now I don’t. You’re fine. Everybody’s fine and everything’s fine.” What happened? Nobody changed and nobody conformed to your pattern, yet a happiness is there, made more beautiful because they didn’t change. It is more beautiful because of the diversity of beings and life. This that’s awake is the same for each of us. And everything else is a beautiful, wonderful expression of diversity.

“As soon as I want you to change or you want me to change, a dagger is thrust into the very heart of our existence. You feel it immediately, personally and closely. This is what the Fire of Truth takes out of your hands. Mysteriously, in that releasing, transformational energy is released. Everything is transformed — not only ourselves, but everyone around us. The Fire of Truth transforms you right down to the cells of your body. Not that you care about or intend this. It happens simply because you don’t intend it. As soon as we care, transformational energy is boxed back up, and as soon as the mind tries to box this truth, to understand it within its own concepts, it’s like dropping a heavy stone on a mirror. The experience is shattering, and you instantly will feel the tension in your mind and body. This transformation requires the deepest humility without any sense of being humble.

“So my invitation is to not look past the looking and not move yourself away from that which notices. Do not improve yourself past that which is already whole. And return the favour. That’s the saving of the world. Return the favour and see it over there. Wherever over there is — to your left, to your right, behind you, upside down, under your feet. See wholeness there. That’s the transformation of everything. If you don’t see wholeness in everything around you, that’s the continuation of ignorance, the continuation of violence. Don’t sacrifice this that is awake. Don’t think it out of existence. Don’t bargain it into the periphery of your life.” — Adyashanti

Posted: April 2nd, 2008 under News.
Comments: 1